eyes closed. head on a pillow. under a blanket. baby crying. lips turning purple. fingers were already there. shes checking for the pulse. says there is one. but it was her own beating too fast. i look for any movement, any at all. Why am i so numb? why cant i feel? why am i not panicing? calmly i say “his chest isnt moving. he isnt breathing.” I get “of course he is” but a recheck of the pulse is the answer. Maybe she didnt feel one this time because hers stopped as well.